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About the StoryThe first day of the journey of a young woman making her way to her parentsí home to escape the outbreak of a plague originating from the West Coast of North America.
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Number of Reviews: 2
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I just feel the story could have been a bit more non-linear. It was pretty guided, and there weren't many choices. When there were, though, I felt the choices were equally weighted.
I *do* suggest you remove the undo button. Makes the reader fight a little bit harder to survive.
The piece is dark, with numerous 'bad' endings, similar in nature to a CYOA book; thankfully, Twine's default undo lets the reader move backward and continue past the bad endings.
I liked some of the small details throughout, which contributed to a sense of place and space, but the pacing was a weaker point, especially in the opening, when the backstory is told through a long series of choice-less clicks. I think parts of this read too much like a traditional narrative, and it could be edited tighter to leave a sense of mystery and questions. Do we need to know the details of the plague? I'd rather get more into my character--her motivations, her goals, who she is.
The actions didn't make me connect with the character, and I'm not sure if that's because this is such a short piece, or if it's because of the 3rd-party approach, where the character is never "I" but instead "she"; the consistent use of a third-party pronoun may have contributed to my sense that I was really just flipping the pages in an electronic book, not inhabiting a character and making choices.
I think this piece would benefit from some tightening and editing; the opening scene is well-done, and the writing does have a raw, natural rhythm to it. I think a little editing by the author (especially reducing the consistent use of 'she' throughout) would improve the overall writing and strengthen the natural rhythm the writer has.
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This is version 2 of this page, edited by Doug Orleans on 16 December 2016 at 4:23pm. - View Update History - Edit This Page - Add a News Item