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About the StoryThe first day of the journey of a young woman making her way to her parentsí home to escape the outbreak of a plague originating from the West Coast of North America.
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Number of Reviews: 2
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I just feel the story could have been a bit more non-linear. It was pretty guided, and there weren't many choices. When there were, though, I felt the choices were equally weighted.
I *do* suggest you remove the undo button. Makes the reader fight a little bit harder to survive.
The piece is dark, with numerous 'bad' endings, similar in nature to a CYOA book; thankfully, Twine's default undo lets the reader move backward and continue past the bad endings.
I liked some of the small details throughout, which contributed to a sense of place and space, but the pacing was a weaker point, especially in the opening, when the backstory is told through a long series of choice-less clicks. I think parts of this read too much like a traditional narrative, and it could be edited tighter to leave a sense of mystery and questions. Do we need to know the details of the plague? I'd rather get more into my character--her motivations, her goals, who she is.
The actions didn't make me connect with the character, and I'm not sure if that's because this is such a short piece, or if it's because of the 3rd-party approach, where the character is never "I" but instead "she"; the consistent use of a third-party pronoun may have contributed to my sense that I was really just flipping the pages in an electronic book, not inhabiting a character and making choices.
I think this piece would benefit from some tightening and editing; the opening scene is well-done, and the writing does have a raw, natural rhythm to it. I think a little editing by the author (especially reducing the consistent use of 'she' throughout) would improve the overall writing and strengthen the natural rhythm the writer has.
If you enjoyed The First Day...
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This is version 2 of this page, edited by Doug Orleans on 16 December 2016 at 4:23pm. - View Update History - Edit This Page - Add a News Item